Feeling emotionally stuck? Transform your inner world with Internal Family Systems!
Every day, all day we are reacting to life: to our interactions with others and to all that happens to and around us. This includes feeling angry, excited, anxious, bored, spacey, sad, ashamed, annoyed, elated…and on and on:
That slowww driver in front of you on a single-lane road? Impatient.
The know-it-all, micro-manage-y co-worker who always offers “helpful” suggestions on how to do your job? Annoyed.
Sitting down to good conversation and a cup of coffee with your bestie? Engaged.
Feelings are meant to come and go, but we can get stuck in patterns of reacting that keep us from growing and living how we want to.
Maybe it’s the stomach-knotting anxiety you feel when you are at a social gathering.
The “I’m-not-good-enough” shame you feel when you give a work presentation.
Or the simmering anger and resentment every time you are around your family.
When these emotions become chronic, it feels crappy and makes your life smaller:
You hold back from “putting yourself out there” and pursuing career opportunities.
You withdraw from potentially-meaningful and satisfying social connections and relationships.
You take on unhealthy ways of coping that create their own set of problems.
Difficult emotions don’t mean you’re “broken.”
There are lots of unhealthy, threatening or unsafe situations, environments and relationships that are the problem - not YOU.
The reactions you have to the micro- and macro-aggressions of racism, misogyny, homophobia, transphobia, the patriarchy, values, toxic culture, ageism, fatphobia, sexism, ethnocentrism, etc. are NORMAL responses to ABNORMAL circumstances. Period.
Abuse, bullying or harm of any kind naturally leads to fear, anxiety, overwhelm and an overloaded, overstressed nervous system with all kinds of emotional discomfort. Let’s not normalize harm and pathologize your reaction to it!
That said, when your emotions keep you from responding to life situations in healthy, self-preserving ways - or if your emotions are keeping you stuck in situations and relationships that you don’t know how to handle, change or get out of - then having ways to emotionally empower yourself is crucial for your growth and well-being.
And THIS is where it gets exciting!
You can get unstuck from anxiety, shame and self-doubt.
First, know that your emotions operate with their own kind of logic and show up for very valid reasons - even if they don’t make sense or seem “rational.”
The “emotional center” of your brain is literally, physically located in a different part of your brain than your “rational-thought center.” Contrary to popular opinion, one part of the brain isn’t “better” or more important than the other - they are both highly necessary!
It just means that what makes sense to our emotional brain doesn’t always make sense to our rational brain, and vice versa.
Internal Family Systems (IFS) offers an effective and “brain-friendly” way to find lasting relief from the distressing thoughts and painful feelings that keep you stuck in unhappiness, chronic stress and lack of fulfillment. So, how does IFS work?
A unique way of transforming how you think and feel.
IFS holds that your patterns of emotions, beliefs and thinking naturally stem from different “sub-personalities” of the psyche. These “parts” fulfill important functions in our psyche: some help us function in day-to-day life, while others distract us from emotional distress or help us turn our attention to that within us which needs healing and attention.
These parts often show up as what we typically call “symptoms:” anxiety, shame, anger, low self-worth, etc. In other words, you have an anxiety part…a shame part…a self-critical part…and others which are unique to you and your inner psychological dynamics.
Having parts doesn’t mean that you have Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder). We ALL have parts! And they all hold the thoughts, feelings and beliefs that cause you to react to life in the ways that you do.
Your parts came into being in younger childhood and as you grew up - during a time when we were relatively powerless, dependent on others, highly impressionable and influenced by our caregivers, family, culture and world around you.
The emotions and beliefs that these parts hold became your way of seeing the world, ourselves and others. And they directly influence how you respond and react to things.
As uncomfortable as some of these parts may feel, the paradox is that they actually are trying to help you. Huh??
Before we get to the positive intentions of your parts - and how they can be transformed into parts that feel healthy and supportive - let’s take a look at some of the different kinds of parts.
The 2 kinds of parts:
According to IFS, parts belong to one of the two categories:
The Exiles: these are the emotionally-wounded parts of yourself that never fully healed from painful earlier life experiences. These experiences may have included trauma and not having certain developmentally-important emotional needs met in a way that was adequate or needed. Exiles hold negative beliefs (“I am not safe”, “I am unloveable” or “I’m not good enough”) and much shame, fear, grief and pain. While the deeply-held thoughts and feelings of the Exiles can live outside of your conscious awareness, they profoundly influence the way you see and feel about yourself, others and the world. In popular culture, the concept of the Inner Child is closely related to the Exile.
The Protectors: these parts came into being to protect the Exiles. They take on patterns of coping, reacting and “managing” situations and others to help you NOT feel the unhealed shame, grief, pain or trauma that your vulnerable Exiles hold. Protectors try to do this “job” in various ways: addiction, anger outbursts, overthinking, worrying, rumination, compulsive and controlling behavior, anxiety, depression, withdrawal, workaholism, perfectionism, overachieving and so much more. But even though the Protectors are trying to help, they often do so in ways that can be painful and have their own problematic consequences.
In your reactive moments, you take on the beliefs, feelings, sensations and world view of these parts.
You see and experience things through their eyes - and react accordingly.
But you aren’t aware of all that when it’s happening (or ever!). In fact, you can become “flooded” and over-identify with your emotions.
Just the way we talk about experiencing emotions speaks to the way we feel like we ARE the emotion we’re experiencing:
I am anxious
I am furious.
I am so depressed.
TRUTH: your feelings are parts of yourself - not your whole self.
And to make it even more interesting, these parts all relate to each other in their own, unique ways - much like members of a family. For example, your anger part (a Protector) may be trying to protect an Exile (wounded) part from feeling emotional pain, by lashing out at others who might be perceived as hurtful.
How can you heal your anxious, depressed, fearful and hurting parts?
First step is to gain an awareness and understanding of your parts, their origins and the ways they may be trying to help.
I love the Internal Family Systems approach, because it de-pathologizes your “problem” emotions and recognizes that YOU - your true, core Self - is not flawed, bad, weak, horrible or out-of-control (despite what you might believe about yourself!).
By getting curious about your parts and getting to know them in a different way, you come to appreciate their good intentions and their desire to help you the only way they know how.
Then, they can start to shift and change into less painful or harmful aspects of yourself. In fact, in their healed forms, your parts can become allies with valuable strengths and gifts!
This is a beautiful, organically-unfolding process…and one that is truly, profoundly transformative.
Connect with your true, core Self - who you are meant to be!
Underneath all the pain and turmoil of your hurt, fearful, grieving, depressed, anxious and wounded parts is an “undamaged you" that holds the qualities of compassion, calm, confidence, clarity, creativity, curiosity, courage and connectedness.
This is your true essence and nature.
Let that sink in.
What would it be like to live from THAT you?
Who would you be?
What could be possible in your life?
How would it be different?
The good news: You can start connecting with this healthy Self from the beginning - it doesn’t necessarily take months or years to get there. You will be able to live more and more from this true Self, discovering and creating a life that fulfills and nourishes you.
This Self becomes the “leader” of your healthier internal family of parts. Instead of staying stuck in patterns of fear, anxiety, anger, depression, confusion or whatever emotion you’re experiencing…you can respond from a healthier, more grounded You.
As your true Self comes online, the painful, reactive Protector and Exile parts don’t feel the need to be in the driver’s seat of your life - because they know that you, acting from your true Self energy - are handling things. They can start to let go of their patterns and trust the healthy you.
“Yeah, this all sounds too good to be true.”
I’ll admit, all if this does seem pretty great - and is absolutely possible for you. Internal Family Systems-informed therapy is one of the most user-friendly, do-able and effective approaches that I’ve found. I use it to help heal issues ranging from indecision to highly-complex trauma, and can combine it creatively with other therapeutic approaches that I am trained to use.
What’s also wonderful is that Internal Family Systems therapy is highly individualized to you and your unique needs - it is not a generic, “one-size-fits-all” therapy. And while in the moment exploring your parts can feel edgy and unfamiliar, it is actually a gentle (yet impactful!) way of working with a wide variety of issues and challenges. The work will progress at a pace that challenges you, yet does not overwhelm you - and I will guide you every step of the way, creating a safe and customized healing “container” for you.
If you are curious, I’d love to answer any questions you have about how I can support you with Internal Family Systems therapy!
